and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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