Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
