I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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