your thong is hanging out like whoa
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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