Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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