Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
