She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize