Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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