I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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