were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
