so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
