everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
