wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize