By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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