I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize