i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
