Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i believe in u and ur pee
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
