Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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