me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
