My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
