She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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