my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i think i just lost a toe
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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