My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
