i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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