I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
