Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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