I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
