and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
