dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
