every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
