somebody snuck up and got me drunk
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
