I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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