I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There r osticjed everywhere
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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