I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
