I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
