we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
