I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
