You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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