I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
