He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
