I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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