i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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