grandma shit on top of the toilet
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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