I could make wine with my vomit
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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