Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
