Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
