There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
