And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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