Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
