he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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