i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
