also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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