where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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