I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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