she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
