i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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